It's strange how things work. It seems as if after I had admitted to myself that I have been quite lonely lately, my social life has picked up. I don't know how this works. Today, I sat next to a friend in art history. I like her. I had lunch with her, as well as a couple of people that I usually have lunch with on tuesdays and thursdays. She told me that she was fond of me... probably because I'm weird. I walked to the bus with another friend that I had met through drawing class. On the way there, two people I said hi to me. For the second time this semester, I received a, "Wow, Ms. Popular." Work was work. One of my older coworkers said that I was the only one out of the all the new employees whom he liked the way the box office was worked. I wasn't looking for his approval (especially his approval), but I guess I'm glad that he liked the way I worked. At dinner, I saw a friend in line and he invited me to sit with him and his friends. So I met some new people. One of them lives in my dorm.

But who's counting, right?


Africa called. I talk to her at least once a week, which is a weekly opportunity that I've taken too much advantage of. I told her about my weekend with Mustang and about the little things that I think might be going on. She was extremely supportive and understanding. She told me to "go as the situation takes me". I appreciated her understanding and was feeling relieved and somewhat comfortable with myself. I got off the phone with her and then ran into Sister on my way to the studio. She had just gotten out of orchestra and was waiting to meet up with a friend. So I decided I would wait with her.

Something between us had changed. I wanted to ignore it because I was feeling pretty good about myself. In my comfort, I decided to tell her about Mustang, who is a mutual friend and also someone she had basically grown up with through church. The words felt sour on my tongue even before I opened my mouth. But I told her anyway. I said, "So I spent the weekend with Mustang and I went out to Bento with him on saturday. It felt kind of like a date." I was greeted with silence and a little awkwardness. I then proceeded to say, "I debated on telling you because I didn't know how you would feel about it." She then replied, "To be honest, I'm not quite sure either. I know Mustang's like your bff or whatever, but that's just awkward." And then she moved on to another subject without much hesitation.

That stung a little. For a long time while I painted feverishly at the studio, I wanted to sit her down and explain my views to her. I wanted to say, "Don't make me feel bad for something that you've never experienced." I was a little upset. And I still am. To further my anguish, Sister and her sister (notice the alias) were two of the most exclusive people I know. Exclusive to themselves, that is. I have never seen anyone gossip so openly. They are probably two of the most shamelessly judgmental people I've ever met. And I fear that now that I've said what I said, Sister is going to tell her sister. And I guess they're going to judge me.

I know that after that had happened, I didn't feel the same way about Mustang, nor about Sister, as I did before. Suddenly I was completely disgusted with myself and I hated Sister for making me feel that way. I wanted people to accept me the way I am. I wonder if people had known the agony I go through upon discovering that I have such strong feelings for people who are older if they would judge me the same. I wonder. My mother accepts me the way that I am. My MOTHER. Why can't Sister? Why can't anybody?

Since when has age mattered. I want to shoot the person who said that age matters.


Well, since that happened that evening, I can't help but think back to the Happy situation. I don't know why. And I don't know what I would say. Mustang gave me a little advice about how to handle it, I guess. Talk to her. Tell her why I don't like her and why I'm not talking to her. Its only fair, I guess. I can't believe I'm actually considering treating her like a human.


I don't know what to do with my life.