Over the weekend, I admitted to my friend Mustang that I don't really have a lot of friends in college. It makes me a little sad to admit this -- not because of loneliness itself, but because I'm starting to sound like the Happy that I've envisioned in my head. Lonely. I don't know. Most of the time, I'm pretty content with myself. It's a different situation than high school (especially mine) where I don't have to talk if I don't want to, because I know my friends will take my silence and my speech the same; whereas college, I still don't have to talk if I don't want to, but that only means that nobody will know that I exist. I have to admit though -- it is kind of nice to be by myself in a public place and just read. I've been reading a lot of lately. Or rather, I've been re-reading all of my favorite books. Over the weekend, I watched The Namesake with Mustang and his sister, Liz. The Namesake is one of my favorite books of all time. And the movie is now one of my favorite movies of all time. But all that aside, the point I'm trying to make is that I'm not sure how I really feel about the whole deal.
I guess some part of me really wishes that I can have a consistent social life -- go out on the weekends, have reasons to stay in Athens, have study dates, etc. Then again, who am I kidding? I hate small talk. I hate meeting people that I know I won't like (I'm very particular about my people -- and I did say it: my people) and I hate putting myself in situations where I know I will have to avert from my usual self to accommodate someone else's. And to tell the truth, I kind of like the way I am and the way I feel without the pressure of other undesirable personalities around me to influence. Solitude is hard to keep with people around me jabbering about shit I don't care about. And I've realized that it's been really hard to love myself when people I don't like are around.
When I admitted my loneliness to Mustang (by this time, it was 3 am), he scooted closure to give me a tight hug. I think it's better this way. It's hard for me to weed out the people who will love me and laugh with me, but when I do find these few people, they stay for a while. I haven't lived very long, but it's good to know how my system works from the very beginning.
In other subjects, I realized that from talking to Oklahoma and Banana that I'm really missing out on some seriously interesting college life. Oklahoma goes to Barnard in NY, Columbia's sister college. The life that she talks about is just madness. Riding the train, taking classes from Broadway stars, being in an a capella group (my first love), taking amazing classes on religion and politics and history... In New York. I'm in love with New York. Now, I've soon realized that my school is kind of perfect for me. I've realized that I'm very easily intimidated and that extreme academia might not be the best choice for me... but my dream is still New York City. I've never fallen in love with such a culture. Barnard makes my college sound like a podunk town in the bowels of white suburbia. Her classes sound so cool. I want hers.
Of course, I've always been this way. If someone else's stuff is better than mine, I want theirs. If they play piano better than me, I want to take piano, and I want to dominate or be just as good. If I'm already at the level for equal critique, then I will find whatever reason in my head to bring them down and bring myself above. If I'm not, and I know that I will never be, I will give up. All or nothing. Always.
This is why I hate competition. My self-esteem is so thin, it's easy to break. But from lessons from living, I've learned to avoid certain situations to maintain or build-up my self-esteem. It can break in a moment's notice, but at least I know how to save it. This is probably why I don't like making new friends and being in the presence of people who make me feel bad about myself. This is probably why I'm in Athens. This is why I get frustrated with piano. This is why I feel bad about my art. This is why, this is why, this is why.
With admittance comes acceptance. I have a ton of admitting to do.