I drove home from Athens because Emma flew home from New York to spend the High Holidays and her birthday in Atlanta. It was the first time she's been back since she left. I went to her house for a night of celebration -- which included Banana, Seth, great vegan food, and Manhattan (the movie). At first, I anticipated the usual awkwardness within me -- my not feeling like I was intelligently adequate; witty or funny enough. But it wasn't the case (I'm not even sure if it was ever the case). I had a great time talking to them, listening about their difference schools (especially Seth, who is still at our high school). I had a wonderful hour-long conversation with Emma afterwards while I did her nails. I told her about how I felt like I was losing my entire identity at college because I'm not making any friends that I like; and the friends I do make make me feel out of place, etc. I wasn't playing any piano and I forget how much of that is in my soul and just being around the people that I had spent so much time with in the past five years just reminded me of how much of me has been forgotten. But I don't think it was an instantaneous loss -- I've been losing it all last year too. And moving to a new place where nobody knows me just amplifies the whole situation. I'm working on it, though.
I spent a great deal of time with Michael this weekend. We had a snack at Bento Saturday afternoon where I told him everything about my life up to this point. He's about the only person who I can have a comfortable and enjoyable conversation for long, long periods of time. It's so good to be with people I like.
I spent the night at his apartment saturday night. We stayed up 'til 3 am just talking. We went to church together the next morning. Later that afternoon, I went back to his apartment to watch a movie and have dinner with him and his sister, who lives with him.
The reason that I'm outlining all the time that I spent with Michael is because I'm getting a really familiar feeling of dread. I love Michael -- I think he is a blessing in my life and I would never replace him for anybody... But I say dread because I'm starting to wonder if there's something deeper going on between us. He sent me a message telling me to call him when I get back at Athens. So I did, but my room mate was trying to sleep so I quickly said good bye and hung up the phone. Later, I realized that he had said something to me because I said that I had to go, so I texted him instead. He said, "Just saying good night. Gotta come back soon. There's nothing in Athens for you."
What's a little harmless flirting.
I really should stop trying to downplay my habit to date up. I can't date anybody my age or younger, or even one year older. It doesn't work. I've tried. Nothing works. All the boys that pursue me romanticize the fact that I don't give a damn and am not much of a romantic. Which is ironic.
I guess I just have to be careful. I don't really know where all this might lead.