It is almost three in the morning on a thursday. I'm not going to bed because my art history class is cancelled. I'm rebelling. I'm milking this.

I don't know why I'm so weird right now. I think it's 'cause I wasn't very happy with my day. Every week I look forward to the weekend.

I'm not sure what it is. I'd like to think that I've moved on by miles from the depressive state that I was in two years back, but maybe I just got better at masking it. Sometimes I don't want to say hi to people or go meet new friends because I don't feel like pretending. It's easier to not say anything than to lie. And I don't want to have to deal with the guilt that comes when I have an off day and I can't control how I act around people I kind of care about.

I eat dinner alone just about every day. I have lunch on wednesdays alone. On other days, I have 30 minutes alloted for feeding because I have to to go to work. When I'm in class, I don't really talk to anyone, because I want to pass the class and know the info. I walk to class alone. When I get off class, I'm so burnt that all I want to do is go back to my dorm and get on the computer and stay there -- I don't even feel like eating.

I do want friends, but I don't want to start over again. I don't feel like acting. I don't feel like pretending. I don't want to. But I also don't know how not to when I'm meeting people. I can't seem to be the self that I'm most comfortable -- which, to my knowledge, is dry and sarcastic but silly and humorous. Why can't I be that all the time. Why does it have to be so hard to meet people that I like. Why do I have to get annoyed with everyone I meet. Why do I feel like I have to act and pretend.

There aren't a lot of people that I know with whom I can be myself. Or at least the self that I like the best. There's Debbie. There's Michael, Jennifer, and Lizzie. Sometimes I don't like myself when I'm with Jacob. Sometimes it's hard to be with Oklahoma. Sometimes I get severely annoyed with Omo.

I love many people and I accept them for who they are. I am openminded and loving and accepting because thats something I can control and those are the attitutudes that I want to which I want to be treated. But I don't trust people with that kind of openness. I don't trust anyone to look at me and accept the person that I am. I don't think they'll be able to handle my sarcasm or my teasing. I don't think they like it when I poke fun at them. But I guess I'll never know.