Tonight has been rather anti-climatic. I think the cold weather in addition to heavy, art-supply luggage has made this night extremely unsatisfying. It's been about two months since I had ranted about anything and I think it's about that time. Exactly a week from today, I turn 19 and I find out if I get into art school or not. It's extremely nerve-racking. I have eight projects lined up that either need to be started on or finished. I don't even have the mind to think about a birthday. Plus, finals are nearing and I'm freaking out a little bit. I need a sense of accomplishment. Anything. Something.

To top it all off, I think I've had enough of my room mate. It's enough that it's extremely uncomfortable to live with someone who is this socially awkward, but having a hygiene problem is beyond my patience. Remember when I said she snores? She does. Like a beast. I've had about 10 hours of unsatisfying sleep in the last two days because of her. I want to cry. She is the epitome of what everyone makes fun of. I'm saying this to be frank. I don't know anyone quite like her and there's nothing about her that I find remotely appealing. She's nice? She has no means to be mean. She is not entitled to meanness at all. I want to know how the fuck I ended up here in my first year of college.

But it breaks my heart to tell her. Hey, by the way, your feet stink and your snoring is impeding upon my health? I guess I'd rather deal with smelly feet -- thus become more appreciative of nicer smelling things -- and become a zombie -- thus become...quite ugly -- than intrude on a girl's happy existence; in obesity, filthiness, and awkward laughter. Animorphs, star trek, and all. Oblivion might just be God's gift that saves her. I wonder how else things would turn out with her if I wasn't her room mate this year. Never mind, I don't want to know.

I hate myself. I hate being a dumb girl and getting upset over the stupidest things. All he didn't do today was spend enough time with me. Suddenly nothing seems secure when in reality, everything is the way that it was. For some reason I feel like someone I cared about had just been yanked out of my arms, except none of that happened. Today, instead of coming over to me, he waved hi to me across the street because he was late to class, when he would have usually waited for me in the dining hall, even if I were to eat with my friends. He visited me at work today, but he only said hi. And then he left. At dinner, he would usually call me and then wait for me at the door of my dorm. Today, he only called me and told me to meet up with him and his friends at the dining hall. He didn't think about saving a seat beside him so I had to sit a seat away from him. We pumpkin carved at Bible study today. Instead of sitting and talking to me, he went to play frisbee and left me with a bunch of fob girls and the girl who had feelings for him; making small talk.

Is this really what it's like?

Yesterday, he said that he thinks this week is just like honeymoon -- where the good times will end and you start to accept each other's flaws.


This is what I hate about being in a relationship: none of your feelings are in your control anymore. Every little thing he does affects the way you feel because you lose yourself and you don't know who you are without him. My heart is heavy because he didn't hold my hand. Why is that? I was fine for at least six months without anybody holding my hand. I don't need anybody to hold my hand. Why does this feel like this? Why must I feel like shit because of some boy? I dont know. I don't know anythin.

Is in you, Lord, my strength, is in your Lord, my hope, is in you Lord, it's in yoooou it's in you...


B makes me feel a little less adequate in terms of being a Christian. But I have my own beliefs.

I hope he still finds me interesting.




I'm still so crazy about him.

I cannot stop smiling to myself. Didn't I just say that he's not my type?! What the fuck!?

I just had the most wonderful conversation with my favorite BBoy after dinner. I had dinner with his friends again and afterwards, we walked back to my dorm together and we just sat outside on the quad, in nature, under the moon, and just talked about our lives. We talked about how glad we were that we crossed paths again some three years after not talking. That's insane. I don't know what to do with myself. I know I promised myself that I won't looking to have a relationship my first year in college, but I guess I can't seem to help it. I think he's just so attractive. And so passionate. About life. And Jesus. Dance. Art. He said some things that I would definitely say, in the context of my own art.

I don't know. I don't know what to do! He's just incredible. Incroyable. It's like he embodies some of the most admirable qualities that I find in people. But I don't put him on a pedestal like the other men I've developed feelings for. It's like I take in his good qualities and flaws all the same time and actually made him human in my mind.

What am I saying.

I just want to know all about him, you know? There aren't a lot of people out there who I feel that way about. And he asks all the right questions. I wish I had more time with him.

I'm nervous that he'll find me undesirable after a few more conversations. I'm afraid that he'll find my opinion of my own religion insulting or weird. I'm afraid that he'll judge me when he finds about what happened with Happy. I'm afraid that he might not like my lifestyle. I'm afraid that I'll have to censor myself around him because I think he won't like it.

He reads the Bible.


Gosh, I'm supposed to be writing a paper right now. What am I doing. What am I doing.

I want to know why there are some days that feel like everyone is against you.

I hate my inability to draw fast. I'm so sad and frustrated. I think my drawings are supposed to be due tomorrow. I've finished two. I need to finish drawing III and start on drawing IV. Plus, there's this "take-home" drawing that I haven't even begun to approach. Ahhhh. I'm so stressed out.

I also have my color/comp midterm on friday, when we need to turn in everything we've done to that point. It's making me angry as to how fucking slow I work. I need an extra set of hands and an extra brain.


On the off hand, it's sunday night, or monday morning. I think I have like gland cancer or something -- they swell at the strangest moments.

I went to church with my favorite BBoy and his friends. This is a case that I cannot seem to decipher.

B and I met two years ago when he came to visit my church. I thought he was cute. We started talking online and seemed to be somewhat interested until he stopped talking to me all of the sudden. I heard something about a nasty break-up but I wasn't too sure and I didn't want to get too involved, so I just stopped talking to him altogether. He and I didn't really talk until I came to school. I'd see him once in a while during lunch hour and he'd say hi to me regardless where or when he sees me. One day after not seeing him for a while, I bumped into him during dinner at a dining hall and he invited me to sit with him and his friends. And since then, we've been hanging out/having dinner together, and I guess now going to church together. Tonight he invited me to go play badminton with him and his room mate, whom i met today; but I was of course in the middle of drawing.

I don't think he started inviting to go places with him until I revealed to him that I eat alone just about everyday and don't really have time to hang out with people. I wonder if this is a charity case. I hope it isn't.

It's strange how things work. It seems as if after I had admitted to myself that I have been quite lonely lately, my social life has picked up. I don't know how this works. Today, I sat next to a friend in art history. I like her. I had lunch with her, as well as a couple of people that I usually have lunch with on tuesdays and thursdays. She told me that she was fond of me... probably because I'm weird. I walked to the bus with another friend that I had met through drawing class. On the way there, two people I said hi to me. For the second time this semester, I received a, "Wow, Ms. Popular." Work was work. One of my older coworkers said that I was the only one out of the all the new employees whom he liked the way the box office was worked. I wasn't looking for his approval (especially his approval), but I guess I'm glad that he liked the way I worked. At dinner, I saw a friend in line and he invited me to sit with him and his friends. So I met some new people. One of them lives in my dorm.

But who's counting, right?


Africa called. I talk to her at least once a week, which is a weekly opportunity that I've taken too much advantage of. I told her about my weekend with Mustang and about the little things that I think might be going on. She was extremely supportive and understanding. She told me to "go as the situation takes me". I appreciated her understanding and was feeling relieved and somewhat comfortable with myself. I got off the phone with her and then ran into Sister on my way to the studio. She had just gotten out of orchestra and was waiting to meet up with a friend. So I decided I would wait with her.

Something between us had changed. I wanted to ignore it because I was feeling pretty good about myself. In my comfort, I decided to tell her about Mustang, who is a mutual friend and also someone she had basically grown up with through church. The words felt sour on my tongue even before I opened my mouth. But I told her anyway. I said, "So I spent the weekend with Mustang and I went out to Bento with him on saturday. It felt kind of like a date." I was greeted with silence and a little awkwardness. I then proceeded to say, "I debated on telling you because I didn't know how you would feel about it." She then replied, "To be honest, I'm not quite sure either. I know Mustang's like your bff or whatever, but that's just awkward." And then she moved on to another subject without much hesitation.

That stung a little. For a long time while I painted feverishly at the studio, I wanted to sit her down and explain my views to her. I wanted to say, "Don't make me feel bad for something that you've never experienced." I was a little upset. And I still am. To further my anguish, Sister and her sister (notice the alias) were two of the most exclusive people I know. Exclusive to themselves, that is. I have never seen anyone gossip so openly. They are probably two of the most shamelessly judgmental people I've ever met. And I fear that now that I've said what I said, Sister is going to tell her sister. And I guess they're going to judge me.

I know that after that had happened, I didn't feel the same way about Mustang, nor about Sister, as I did before. Suddenly I was completely disgusted with myself and I hated Sister for making me feel that way. I wanted people to accept me the way I am. I wonder if people had known the agony I go through upon discovering that I have such strong feelings for people who are older if they would judge me the same. I wonder. My mother accepts me the way that I am. My MOTHER. Why can't Sister? Why can't anybody?

Since when has age mattered. I want to shoot the person who said that age matters.


Well, since that happened that evening, I can't help but think back to the Happy situation. I don't know why. And I don't know what I would say. Mustang gave me a little advice about how to handle it, I guess. Talk to her. Tell her why I don't like her and why I'm not talking to her. Its only fair, I guess. I can't believe I'm actually considering treating her like a human.


I don't know what to do with my life.

I think I've gotten a little too comfortable with this whole blog thing. I've suddenly become pretty paranoid about people reading this. And I do realize that this is the internet and it's a very public place -- but I would like to think that I have some kind of privacy. I actually find comments intruding. I deleted the one that I found and actually got a little angry -- but of course, whose fault is it really.

Over the weekend, I admitted to my friend Mustang that I don't really have a lot of friends in college. It makes me a little sad to admit this -- not because of loneliness itself, but because I'm starting to sound like the Happy that I've envisioned in my head. Lonely. I don't know. Most of the time, I'm pretty content with myself. It's a different situation than high school (especially mine) where I don't have to talk if I don't want to, because I know my friends will take my silence and my speech the same; whereas college, I still don't have to talk if I don't want to, but that only means that nobody will know that I exist. I have to admit though -- it is kind of nice to be by myself in a public place and just read. I've been reading a lot of lately. Or rather, I've been re-reading all of my favorite books. Over the weekend, I watched The Namesake with Mustang and his sister, Liz. The Namesake is one of my favorite books of all time. And the movie is now one of my favorite movies of all time. But all that aside, the point I'm trying to make is that I'm not sure how I really feel about the whole deal.

I guess some part of me really wishes that I can have a consistent social life -- go out on the weekends, have reasons to stay in Athens, have study dates, etc. Then again, who am I kidding? I hate small talk. I hate meeting people that I know I won't like (I'm very particular about my people -- and I did say it: my people) and I hate putting myself in situations where I know I will have to avert from my usual self to accommodate someone else's. And to tell the truth, I kind of like the way I am and the way I feel without the pressure of other undesirable personalities around me to influence. Solitude is hard to keep with people around me jabbering about shit I don't care about. And I've realized that it's been really hard to love myself when people I don't like are around.

When I admitted my loneliness to Mustang (by this time, it was 3 am), he scooted closure to give me a tight hug. I think it's better this way. It's hard for me to weed out the people who will love me and laugh with me, but when I do find these few people, they stay for a while. I haven't lived very long, but it's good to know how my system works from the very beginning.


In other subjects, I realized that from talking to Oklahoma and Banana that I'm really missing out on some seriously interesting college life. Oklahoma goes to Barnard in NY, Columbia's sister college. The life that she talks about is just madness. Riding the train, taking classes from Broadway stars, being in an a capella group (my first love), taking amazing classes on religion and politics and history... In New York. I'm in love with New York. Now, I've soon realized that my school is kind of perfect for me. I've realized that I'm very easily intimidated and that extreme academia might not be the best choice for me... but my dream is still New York City. I've never fallen in love with such a culture. Barnard makes my college sound like a podunk town in the bowels of white suburbia. Her classes sound so cool. I want hers.

Of course, I've always been this way. If someone else's stuff is better than mine, I want theirs. If they play piano better than me, I want to take piano, and I want to dominate or be just as good. If I'm already at the level for equal critique, then I will find whatever reason in my head to bring them down and bring myself above. If I'm not, and I know that I will never be, I will give up. All or nothing. Always.

This is why I hate competition. My self-esteem is so thin, it's easy to break. But from lessons from living, I've learned to avoid certain situations to maintain or build-up my self-esteem. It can break in a moment's notice, but at least I know how to save it. This is probably why I don't like making new friends and being in the presence of people who make me feel bad about myself. This is probably why I'm in Athens. This is why I get frustrated with piano. This is why I feel bad about my art. This is why, this is why, this is why.

With admittance comes acceptance. I have a ton of admitting to do.

I had a wonderful weekend.

I drove home from Athens because Emma flew home from New York to spend the High Holidays and her birthday in Atlanta. It was the first time she's been back since she left. I went to her house for a night of celebration -- which included Banana, Seth, great vegan food, and Manhattan (the movie). At first, I anticipated the usual awkwardness within me -- my not feeling like I was intelligently adequate; witty or funny enough. But it wasn't the case (I'm not even sure if it was ever the case). I had a great time talking to them, listening about their difference schools (especially Seth, who is still at our high school). I had a wonderful hour-long conversation with Emma afterwards while I did her nails. I told her about how I felt like I was losing my entire identity at college because I'm not making any friends that I like; and the friends I do make make me feel out of place, etc. I wasn't playing any piano and I forget how much of that is in my soul and just being around the people that I had spent so much time with in the past five years just reminded me of how much of me has been forgotten. But I don't think it was an instantaneous loss -- I've been losing it all last year too. And moving to a new place where nobody knows me just amplifies the whole situation. I'm working on it, though.

I spent a great deal of time with Michael this weekend. We had a snack at Bento Saturday afternoon where I told him everything about my life up to this point. He's about the only person who I can have a comfortable and enjoyable conversation for long, long periods of time. It's so good to be with people I like.
I spent the night at his apartment saturday night. We stayed up 'til 3 am just talking. We went to church together the next morning. Later that afternoon, I went back to his apartment to watch a movie and have dinner with him and his sister, who lives with him.

The reason that I'm outlining all the time that I spent with Michael is because I'm getting a really familiar feeling of dread. I love Michael -- I think he is a blessing in my life and I would never replace him for anybody... But I say dread because I'm starting to wonder if there's something deeper going on between us. He sent me a message telling me to call him when I get back at Athens. So I did, but my room mate was trying to sleep so I quickly said good bye and hung up the phone. Later, I realized that he had said something to me because I said that I had to go, so I texted him instead. He said, "Just saying good night. Gotta come back soon. There's nothing in Athens for you."

What's a little harmless flirting.

I really should stop trying to downplay my habit to date up. I can't date anybody my age or younger, or even one year older. It doesn't work. I've tried. Nothing works. All the boys that pursue me romanticize the fact that I don't give a damn and am not much of a romantic. Which is ironic.

I guess I just have to be careful. I don't really know where all this might lead.

It is almost three in the morning on a thursday. I'm not going to bed because my art history class is cancelled. I'm rebelling. I'm milking this.

I don't know why I'm so weird right now. I think it's 'cause I wasn't very happy with my day. Every week I look forward to the weekend.

I'm not sure what it is. I'd like to think that I've moved on by miles from the depressive state that I was in two years back, but maybe I just got better at masking it. Sometimes I don't want to say hi to people or go meet new friends because I don't feel like pretending. It's easier to not say anything than to lie. And I don't want to have to deal with the guilt that comes when I have an off day and I can't control how I act around people I kind of care about.

I eat dinner alone just about every day. I have lunch on wednesdays alone. On other days, I have 30 minutes alloted for feeding because I have to to go to work. When I'm in class, I don't really talk to anyone, because I want to pass the class and know the info. I walk to class alone. When I get off class, I'm so burnt that all I want to do is go back to my dorm and get on the computer and stay there -- I don't even feel like eating.

I do want friends, but I don't want to start over again. I don't feel like acting. I don't feel like pretending. I don't want to. But I also don't know how not to when I'm meeting people. I can't seem to be the self that I'm most comfortable -- which, to my knowledge, is dry and sarcastic but silly and humorous. Why can't I be that all the time. Why does it have to be so hard to meet people that I like. Why do I have to get annoyed with everyone I meet. Why do I feel like I have to act and pretend.

There aren't a lot of people that I know with whom I can be myself. Or at least the self that I like the best. There's Debbie. There's Michael, Jennifer, and Lizzie. Sometimes I don't like myself when I'm with Jacob. Sometimes it's hard to be with Oklahoma. Sometimes I get severely annoyed with Omo.

I love many people and I accept them for who they are. I am openminded and loving and accepting because thats something I can control and those are the attitutudes that I want to which I want to be treated. But I don't trust people with that kind of openness. I don't trust anyone to look at me and accept the person that I am. I don't think they'll be able to handle my sarcasm or my teasing. I don't think they like it when I poke fun at them. But I guess I'll never know.